A young man, hired by a supermarket, reported for his first day of work. The manager greeted him with a warm handshake and a smile, gave him a broom and said, "Your first job will be to sweep out the store."
"But I'm a college graduate," the young man replied indignantly.
"Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't know that," said the manager. "Here, give me the broom - I'll show you how."
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MARTHA STEWART'S TIPS FOR REDNECKS
GENERAL
Never take a beer to a job interview.
Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.
It's considered tacky to take a cooler to church.
If you have to vacuum the bed, it is time to change the sheets.
Even if you're certain that you are included in the will, it is still
considered tacky to drive a U-Haul to the funeral home.
DINING OUT
When decanting wine, make sure that you tilt the paper cup, and pour
slowly so as not to "bruise"the fruit of the wine.
If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with your fingers
covering the label.
ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOUSE
A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a
taxidermist.
Do not allow the dog to eat at the table...no matter how good his
manners are.
PERSONAL HYGIENE
While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be
done in private using one's OWN truck keys.
Proper use of toiletries can forestall bathing for several days.
However, if you live alone, deodorant is a waste of good money.
Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as they tend to
detract from a woman's jewelry and alter the taste of finger foods.
DATING (outside the family)
Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the first date.
Be aggressive. Let her know you're interested: "I've been wanting to go
out with you since I read that stuff on the bathroom wall two years ago."
Establish with her parents what time she is expected back. Some will say
10:00 PM; Others might say "Monday." If the latter is the answer, it is
the man's responsibility to get her to school on time.
THEATER ETIQUETTE
Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up immediately
after the movie has ended.
Refrain from talking to characters on the screen. Tests have proven they
can't hear you.
WEDDINGS
Livestock, usually, is a poor choice for a wedding gift.
Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds may get you shot.
For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A leisure suit with a cummerbund
and a clean bowling shirt can create a tacky appearance.
Though uncomfortable, say "yes" to socks and shoes for this special
occasion.
DRIVING ETIQUETTE
Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles; Even if the gun is loaded,
and the deer is in sight. When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle
with the largest tires always has the right of way.
Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape.
When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to
ask her to bring back beer.
Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession
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One Saturday, as Mom was finishing the dinner dishes, my father stepped up behind her. "Would you like to go out, girl?" he asked.
Not even turning around, my mother quickly replied, "Oh, yes, I'd love to!"
They had a wonderful evening, and it wasn't until the end of the evening that Dad finally confessed that his question had actually been directed to the family dog, laying near Mom's feet on the kitchen floor.
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A young couple, just married was in their honeymoon
suite on their wedding night. As Emma undressed for
bed, the husband tossed his pants to his bride and
said, "Here put these on."
She said "What?"
He said "Put these on."
She put them on and the waist was twice the size of
her body. "I can't wear your pants", she said.
"That's right!" said the husband, "and don't you
ever forget it. I'm the man who wears the pants in the
family!"
With that, she flipped him her panties and said,
"Try these on." He tried them on, and found he could
only get them on as far as his kneecap. He said "Hell,
I can't get into your panties."
She said, "That's right and that's the way its going
to be until your attitude changes!"
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The family wheeled Grandma out on the lawn in her wheel chair where the
activities for her 100th birthday were taking place. Grandma couldn't talk
very well but she could write notes fairly well when she needed to
communicate.
After a short time out on the lawn Grandma started leaning off to the
right and some family members grabbed her and straightened her up and
stuffed pillows on her right.
A short time later she started leaning off to her left and again the
family grabbed her and stuffed pillows on her left.
Soon she started leaning forward and the family members again grabbed her
and tied a pillow case around her waist to hold her up.
A nephew who arrived late came running up to Grandma and said,
"Hi Grandma, you're looking good, how are they treating you?"
Grandma took out her little notepad and slowly wrote a note to the nephew,
"Great, but they just won't let me fart."
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A husband and wife were at a party chatting with some friends when the subject of marriage counseling came up.
"Oh, we'll never need that. My husband and I have a great relationship," the wife explained. "He was a communications major in college and I majored in theater arts.
He communicates real well and I just act like I'm listening."
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Found in a fortune cookie:
"You are a poor, pathetic, gullible fool who seeks advice from bakery products."
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A sixth grade teacher asked her class, "Which body part increases to
10 times its size when stimulated?"
No one answered for a long time until Mica stood up, angry, and said,
"You should not be asking 6th graders a question like that! I'm going
to tell my parents and they will tell the principal and you will get
fired!"
The teacher ignored her and asked again, "Which part of the body
increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?"
Finally, Geoffrey stood up and said that the part of the body that
increases 10 times its size when stimulated Is the pupil of the eye.
"Very good." The teacher said, then turned to Mary and said, "As for
you young lady, I have 3 things to say: #1 you have a dirty mind, #2
you didn't read your homework, and #3 one day you will be very
disappointed!"
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"If I paid for these, I'd like them to look a lot better than this."
---'Buffy The Vampire Star' Sarah Michelle Geller denying that she's had breast implants.
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A man died and his wife phoned the newspaper to place an obituary. She called the obituary department and said, "This is what I want to print: Bernie is dead."
The man at the newspaper said, "But for $25 you are allowed to print six words."
The woman answered, "OK. Then print: Bernie is dead. Toyota for sale."
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A little boy, at a wedding looks at his mom and says, "Mom, why does
the girl wear white?"
His mom replies, "The bride is in white because she's happy and this
is the happiest day of her life."
The boy thinks about this, and then says, "Well then, why is the boy
wearing black?"
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ZEN THOUGHTS
A day without sunshine is like, night.
On the other hand, you have different fingers.
I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.
Honk if you love peace and quiet.
Remember, half the people you know are below average.
He who laughs last thinks slowest.
Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.
Support bacteria. They're the only culture some people have.
Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your week.
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.
Get a new car for your spouse. It'll be a great trade!
Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.
Always try to be modest, and be proud of it!
If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.
How many of you believe in telekinesis? Raise my hand...
OK, so what's the speed of dark?
Save the whales. Collect the whole set.
How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?
If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.
Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film.
If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.
I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
Inside every older person is a younger person wondering what the hell happened.
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FLAT TUMMY
A little boy walks into his parents bedroom to see his mom on top of his dad bouncing up and down. The mom sees her son and quickly dismounts,worried about what her son has seen. She dress's quickly and goes to find him. The son sees his mom and asks, "What were you and dad doing?" The mother replies,"Well you know your dad has a big tummy and sometimes I have to get on top of it to help flatten it." "Your wasting your time." say's the boy. "Why is that?" asked his mom, puzzled. "Well, when you go shopping the lady next door comes over and gets on her knees and blows it right back up."
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A man piloting a hot-air balloon discovers he has wandered far off course and is hopelessly lost. He descends to a lower altitude and locates a man down on the ground. He lowers the balloon to within hearing distance and shouts, "Excuse me, can you tell me where I am?"
The man below says: "Yes, you're in a hot-air balloon, about thirty feet above this field."
"You must work in information technology," says the balloonist.
"Yes, I do," replies the man. "And how did you know that?"
"Well," says the balloonist, "what you told me is technically correct, but of no use to anyone."
The man below says, "You must work in management."
"I do," replies the balloonist, "how did you know?"
"Well," says the man, "you don't know where you are, or where you're going, but you expect my immediate help. You're in the same position you were before we met, but now it's my fault!"
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A man who had been called to testify at the Internal Revenue Service asked his accountant for advice on what to wear. "Wear your shabbiest clothing. Let him think you are a pauper," the accountant replied.
Then he asked his lawyer the same question, but got the opposite advice.
"Don't let them intimidate you. Wear your most elegant suit and tie."
Confused, the man went to his priest, told him of the conflicting advice, and requested some resolution on the dilemma. "Let me tell you a story," replied the priest. "A woman, about to be married, asked her mother what to wear on her wedding night. 'Wear a heavy, long, flannel nightgown that goes right up to your neck. But when she asked her best friend, she got conflicting advice. 'Wear your most sexy negligee, with a V-neck right down to your navel.'"
Confused, the man asked, "What does all this have to do with my problem with the IRS?"
"Simple," replied the Priest. "It doesn't matter what you wear, you're going to get screwed."
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Some "true stories" ...
> A man comes into the ER and yells "My wife's going to have her baby in
> the cab!" I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted the lady's
> dress, and began to take off her underwear. Suddenly I noticed that there
> are Several cabs, and I was in the wrong one.
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> At the beginning of my shift I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and
> slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall. "Big breaths," I
> instructed. "Yes, they used to be," remorsed the patient.
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that her
> husband had died of a massive myocardial infarction. Not more than five
> minutes later, I heard her reporting to the rest of the family that he
> had died of a "massive internal fart. "
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> I was performing a complete physical, including the visual acuity test,
> placed the patient twenty feet from the chart and began, "Cover your
> right eye with your hand." He read the 20/20 line perfectly. "Now your
> left." Again, a flawless read. "Now both," I requested. There was
> silence. He couldn't even read the large E on the top line. I turned and
> discovered
> that he had done exactly what I had asked; he was standing there with
> both his eyes covered. I was laughing too hard to finish the exam.
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> I was helping a patient into the bathroom when the patient exclaimed,
> "You're not coming in here with me. This is a one-seater!"
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> During a patient's two week follow-up appointment with his cardiologist,
> he informed his doctor that he was having trouble with one of his
> medications. "Which one?", asked the doctor. "The patch. The nurse told
> me to put on a new one every six hours and now I'm running out of places
> to put it!" The doctor had him quickly undress and discovered what he
> hoped he
> wouldn't see. Yes, the man had over fifty patches on his body!
> Now the instructions include removal of the old patch before applying a
> new one.
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked, "How long
> have you been bedridden?" After a look of complete confusion she
> answered, "Why, not for about twenty years- when my husband was alive."
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> I was caring for a woman from Kentucky and asked, "So how's your
> breakfast this morning?" "It's very good, except for the Kentucky Jelly.
> I can't seem to get used to the taste," the patient replied. I then
> asked to see the jelly and the woman produced a foil packet labeled "KY
> Jelly."
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> And of course, the best is saved for last:
>
> A nurse was on duty in the Emergency Room, when a young woman with purple
> hair styled into a punk rocker Mohawk, sporting a variety of tattoos, and
> wearing strange clothing, entered.
> It was quickly determined that the Patient had acute appendicitis, so she
> was scheduled for immediate surgery.
> When she was completely disrobed on the operating table, the staff noticed
> that her pubic hair had been dyed green, and above it there was a tattoo
> that read, "Keep off the grass."
> Once the surgery was completed, the surgeon wrote a short note on the
> patient's dressing, which said,
> "Sorry, had to mow the lawn."
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The preacher, in his Sunday sermon, used "Forgive Your Enemies" as his
subject. After a long sermon, he asked how many were willing to forgive
their enemies. About half held up their hands. Not satisfied he harangued
for another twenty minutes and repeated his question. This time he
received a response of about 80 percent. Still unsatisfied, he lectured for
another 15 minutes and repeated his question.
With all thoughts now on Sunday dinner, all responded except one elderly
lady in the rear. "Mrs. Jones, are you not willing to forgive your enemies?"
I don't have any. "Mrs. Jones, that is very unusual. How old are you?
"Ninety three. "Mrs. Jones, please come down in front and tell the
congregation how a person can live to be ninety-three, and not have an
enemy in the world."
The little sweetheart of a lady tottered down the aisle, very slowly turned
around and said: "It's easy, I just outlived the sons of bitches."
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There was an elderly man at home, upstairs, dying in bed.
He smelled the aroma of his favorite chocolate chip cookies baking. He wanted one last cookie before he died. He fell out of bed, crawled to the landing, rolled down the stairs and crawled into the kitchen where his wife was busily baking cookies.
With his last remaining strength he crawled to the table and was just barely able to lift his withered arm to the cookie sheet. As he grasped a warm, moist chocolate chip cookie, his favorite kind, his wife suddenly whacked his hand with a spatula.
Gasping for breath, he asked her, "Why did you do that?"
"Those are for the funeral."
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We are rapidly reaching the time when we will truly achieve peace on earth.
We will be too freaking busy cleaning out our email mailboxes to fight with each other.
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The meek shall inherit the earth. The REST of us are going to the STARS.
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